


The Death of a Disco Dancer

by shocked_into_shame



Category: The Smiths
Genre: 1996, Art, Death, Drama, Ghosts, Masturbation, Money, Mpreg, Multi, Sex, Shakespeare, The Room, Tragedy, Violence, courtcase, duel, play
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 23:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4077607
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shocked_into_shame/pseuds/shocked_into_shame
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A dramatic retelling of the 1996 court case Joyce v. Morrissey and Marr<br/>By Val ‘The Memenator’ Rourke and Corinth Morrissey</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Death of a Disco Dancer

**Author's Note:**

> The Characters  
> Johnny Marr: Gay-ass nerd but he’s married  
> Morrissey: Asshole Oscar Wilde James Dean nerd who loves taking it up the ass  
> Andy Rourke: Precious angle babe too good for all of this  
> Mike Joyce: Mr. 25%, Andy’s husband  
> Judge Judy: Assface  
> Lawyer Dale Hibbert: Meme  
> Craig Gannon: Morrissey’s unborn child  
> Angie Marr: Johnny’s wife  
> Annalisa Jablonska: Morrissey’s ex  
> Linder Sterling: Morrissey’s best friend

**ACT ONE**

 

[ _The lights go up on the courtroom, 1996. Mike and Andy are on a thing. Andy is palming Mike through his jeans. Morrissey and Johnny are on the opposite end. Morrissey is humming ‘Oh Phoney’ to himself. Dale is jacking off behind the stand. Morrissey has a hand on his belly, and Johnny is holding his other hand. Johnny is smoking. Judge Judy is on that big thing._ ]

 

JUDGE JUDY: All rise for the honorable Judge Judy. That’s me. _[Turns toward audience with a big smile._ ] Court is in session. First, we will hear from Mike and Andy. Mike, state your case against Mr. Marr and Mr. Paul Morressey.

 

MORRISSEY: Um, it’s actually Steven Morrissey-

 

JUDGE JUDY: I didn’t ask you to speak.

 

MIKE: [ _Stuttering._ ] Thank you, your honour. _[Gasps, trying to ignore the fact that Andy is palming him through his jeans. He grimaces.]_ I am here to demand 25% of the royalties of all the Smiths records.

 

JOHNNY: [ _Stands up._ ] OBJECTION!

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Whispering._ ] Johnny, sit down. You can’t object to that.

 

CRAIG: [ _Kicks._ ]

 

JUDY: [ _Clears her throat._ ] Anyway.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Aside to Johnny. He is groaning like a little bitch._ ] I want to take it up the ass, Johnny.

 

JOHNNY: [ _Aside to Morrissey._ ] Later. I promise.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Aside to Johnny. Tears up._ ] Thank you, Johnny. You’re always there for me, and I love you with all my heart. My prostate gland has never been more stimulated.

 

MIKE: [ _Trembling slightly and still stuttering._ ] Okay, your honor, can we focus on the issue here? We shouldn’t allow Johnny and Morrissey to consult with each other.

 

ANDY: [ _Speeds up the movement of his hand._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Gulps_.]

 

DALE: [ _Moaning loudly from behind the stand.]_ Simon, funk me harder.

 

JUDY: Clearly, you are all sex-crazed maniacs. Please, could you all just relax so we can discuss the case? Any further interruptions will be met with immediate removal from court.

 

ANDY: [ _Grabs Mike’s cock._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Teased far too much, he whimpers “25%” and cums in his pants, right there on the stand. He turns an awful shade of beet red._ ]

 

ANDY: [ _Laughs. He has his bag on his lap because he has an erection._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Putting a hand on his womb for comfort._ ] Judge Judy, I just don’t think that it’s right for Mike to get so much money from the band. I mean, I have a baby on the way and… Well, he was nothing but a session musician.

 

ANDY: [ _Gasps and stands up._ ] YOU TAKE THAT BACK.

 

MORRISSEY: You’re not one to talk, lawnmower part.

 

JUDY: Silence! Alright, I can see this won’t be handled with a normal court case. I suggest a duel. To the death.

 

JOHNNY: [ _Squeezes Morrissey’s hand reassuringly._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Aside to Johnny. His voice is shaking._ ] Johnny, if I lose, I… I’ll never be able to take it up the ass from you again. The last time we did it, it was amazing, but it wasn’t a goodbye. I want your cock to brush against my prostate gland again. Just one more time.

 

JOHNNY: [ _Aside to Morrissey, extremely serious._ ] I have an idea. [ _To the entire room._ ] Your honour, before the duel, may you direct Morrissey and I to a private room so we can… say our goodbyes?

 

JUDY: I suppose… it’s only fair to let you two meet once more before the duel.

 

MIKE: [ _Smiling. Aside to Andy._ ] Andy, prepare yourself for 25%. I can take that nerd. I’ll fight anyone. I’ll fight Moz. I’ll fight Johnny. I’ll fight myself.

 

ANDY: Love, that’s so romantic... [ _Kisses Mike tenderly._ ]

 

DALE: [ _Shouting from behind the stand._ ] Get a fucking room! [ _Continues to masturbate furiously._ ]

 

JOHNNY: [ _Loudly, to the whole court._ ] How long has he been doing that?

 

JUDY: [ _Sighs._ ] He was here when I came in this morning. He hasn’t stopped since.

 

ANDY: [ _Shrugs._ ] Well, you gotta admire his stamina.

 

JUDY: True. Props to you, Mr. Hibbert. Even though you look like a rotting sack of potatoes, I admire your.... strength. [ _Winks._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Mutters to himself._ ] I can last longer…

 

ANDY: [ _Rolls his eyes._ ] Yes, you can, sweetie.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Anxious, longing for Johnny’s dick._ ] Judge, can you please show us the private room we requested now?

 

JUDY: Go through the main exit, walk straight and it’s the first door to your left.

 

JOHNNY: Thank you, your honour. [ _Grabs Morrissey and pulls him out of the room._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _To the Judge._ ] Can you explain to me- [ _Mike is cut off by the very sudden sound of screaming. It is unmistakably Morrissey. Obviously, he has finally gotten his wish, and Andy, Mike, Judy, and Dale sit in silence as his screams grow louder and louder from offstage. Finally, the screams end._ ]

 

ANDY: [ _After a long beat, whistles._ ] Damn. [ _Aside to Mike._ ] Is it just me, or did you hear Moz call Johnny “daddy”?

 

MIKE: [ _Aside to Andy.]_ I can still last longer.

 

DALE: [ _Has paused from masturbating. He is still slightly out of breath._ ] You guys are cockblocking me, I swear.

 

JUDY: Dale, please leave.

 

DALE: Listen, trick. You can’t tell me what to McFreaking do. I’m a jaded teenage girl.

 

JUDY: I… I don’t know how to respond to that. So. I guess you can stay. Just keep quiet, and stop touching yourself already.

 

DALE: That’s what I thought, lady. But I won’t stop jerkin’ it because of your dumb court case anyway. I already know who’s gonna win.

 

JUDY: Wait, how do you-

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Enters the room, with Johnny in tow. He is singing in falsetto._ ] I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky.

 

JOHNNY: [ _With a big, dopey grin._ ] Y’all can fight or whatever now. [ _Pats Morrissey on the ass and pulls out a blunt._ ] I’m all set.

 

DALE: [ _He is jacking off again, and is close to the edge. He stutters._ ] Be-

 

JUDY: Dale is gonna say something!

 

DALE: [ _Ejaculating._ ] BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH!

 

MIKE: [ _Grimaces._ ] One, I don’t even know what that means. Two, that wasn’t something I needed to see.

 

ANDY: [ _Whispers._ ] Honey, be nice. You came in this courtroom, too. Be a little more considerate.

 

MORRISSEY: On with the duel! I will defend my money to the death!

 

CRAIG: [ _Kicks, this time harder than the first._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: The son inside my womb is leaping with joy! He wants to fight!

 

[ _Morrissey and Mike meet at the center of the room. It is clear to everyone that they have no idea what they are doing._ ]

 

MIKE: Suck it, binch. [ _Punches Morrissey in the face._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: Fight me.

 

[ _They begin to fight clumsily. Johnny laughs as he watches them, smoking his blunt. Andy is sitting and watching nervously. Morrissey deals a particularly rough kick to Mike, who gets the wind knocked out of him._ ]

 

ANDY: [ _Stands up and shouts._ ] YOU’RE TEARING ME APART, LISA!

 

JOHNNY: [ _Pulls the blunt out of his mouth to speak._ ] Who the fuck is Lisa?

 

ANDY: [ _Sitting back down._ ] I… I don’t know. I just really wanted to say that.

 

MIKE: [ _He is laying on the ground. Although he is tired and in pain, he finds the strength to get back up and grabs Morrissey by the quiff. He begins to slam Morrissey’s head against the stand, where Dale is now jacking off, again._ ]

 

JOHNNY: Oh, fuck. [ _He turns away._ ] I can’t watch this shit. [ _Speaking loudly._ ] That shit looks like it hurt, Moz.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _In pain, his head still being bashed against the stand._ ] Johnny, please, do something!

 

JOHNNY: [ _Cringing.]_ You know I can’t stand this shit.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Crying._ ] PLEASE!

 

JOHNNY: [ _Stands up, ready to fight._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Turns sharply to Johnny, an evil look in his eyes. He grabs Johnny by the back of the head and slams his head hard against the stand. Johnny lets out a whimper and dies._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: Johnny! No! [ _Stricken by the death of his love, he puts his hands around Mike’s throat._ ]

 

ANDY: [ _Stands up._ ] No, Mikey! How could you kill my best friend? I can’t let this go on! [ _Runs to Morrissey and Mike._ ]

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Turns to Andy._ ] Not today, mate. [ _He wraps his hands around Andy’s throat and squeezes tightly. Andy’s eyes roll back in his head and he dies, crumpling to the floor._ ]

 

JUDY: [ _Now eating from a large bowl of popcorn she pulled from under her desk._ ] This is exciting.

 

DALE: [ _Aside to Judy.]_ Do you just have that with you all the time?

 

JUDY: [ _Aside to Dale._ ] Yeah, this is a pretty normal occurrance.

 

DALE: [ _Aside to Judy._ ] Cool. Can I have some?

 

JUDY: [ _Aside to Dale._ ] Sure. [ _She shares her popcorn with Dale.]_

 

MIKE: [ _Pulls out a knife, holding it up to Morrissey’s neck._ ] I wasn’t a fucking session musician. Without me, you all would be out of rhythm all the time. Do you think you could play live without me? No. Everything would be too fast or too slow. Nothing would be right without me. And somehow, you downplay everything I do… You can’t pretend you didn’t need me. Well, no more. Now, I’ll get what I deserve. I’ll get my 25%.

 

MORRISSEY: [ _Wide-eyed. He knows he will die._ ] Et tu, Brute?

 

MIKE: [ _Slits Morrissey’s throat. Morrissey dies. He turns to see Judy and Dale eating popcorn, dazed expressions on their faces. He quickly stabs the both of them and places his knife in Morrissey’s hand. He walks out of the courtroom._ ]

 

Fade to black.

* * *

 

  
  
  
  
  
**ACT TWO**

 

[ _Lights up on completely black stage. ‘The Queen is Dead’ by the Smiths plays faintly in the background. Mike is sitting in isolation, on a chair encrusted with diamonds. He is surrounded by money. The entirety of the 25% of the Smiths’ royalties surrounds him. His face is blank. He looks directly at the audience._ ]

 

MIKE: I bet you think I’m happy. _[Sighs and closes his eyes._ ] But I’m not. I’m not happy. Here I am, surrounded by all the money I ever wanted. Here is the proof that I am the best drummer in the world. I have finally gotten my 25%, all my dreams have come true... But at what price? Poor Judge Judy, who, admittedly, is at fault for all of this… But still. She didn’t deserve to die. Poor Dale Hibbert. All he wanted to do was masturbate.

[ _Rises._ ] I will never feel the loving touch of Andy’s hand on my dick ever again. I will never hear Johnny play the guitar again. And Morrissey… I’ll never fight him again. He doesn’t even get to see his child now. Does it count as stillborn if the parent dies while the baby is in the womb? I’ll google that later. The point is, all my friends are gone. I can never feel love again.

[ _Crumples to his knees on the floor. Stares at his hands._ ] What hands are here? Ha! They pluck out mine eyes. Will all great Neptune’s ocean wash this blood clean from my hand? No, this my hand will rather the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red.

Truthfully, I don’t know what any of that meant. But something about it feels right. Or fitting. Nothing is right anymore, not in my life. All because of my weakness. I am a slave to my desires. I am a slave to money. I had to get my 25%.

But money is all I have now. All my friends are gone, and I can’t lose all I have left.

 

_[Suddenly, Angie Marr, Annalisa Jablonska, and Linder Sterling enter the room. Angie and Annalisa are both dressed in all black. Angie is carrying a large rifle. Annalisa has a black veil over her face. Linder is wearing a Morrissey t-shirt with no pants on underneath. Her panties have “Morrissey” written across the butt._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Stands up, jolted._ ] What do you want?

 

ANGIE: We are here to avenge my friends and my husband.

 

ANNALISA: We’re going to kill you. Real hip, huh?

 

LINDER: I’m Linder Sterling. You killed my best friend. Prepare to die.

 

MIKE: [ _Hangs his head in shame._ ] I guess I deserve this. Tell our fans that I’m sorry.

 

[ _Suddenly, the ghosts of Johnny, Morrissey, and Andy appear in the room. Andy’s ghost is crying. Johnny is smoking a blunt. Morrissey is holding a small bundle in a green blanket; it is his only son, Craig. Mike can see them, but Annalisa, Angie, and Linder cannot._ ]

 

MIKE: [ _Begins to cry.]_ It was a good lay, good lay. It was a good lay, good lay. Goodbye, my friends.

 

ANGIE: [ _Lifts gun and points it directly at Mike’s head. With the fatal blast, we hear a loud gunshot. The lights fade and ‘The Queen is Dead’ rises in volume to a climax._ ]

_Life is very long_

_When you’re lonely._

  
**End Play**


End file.
